The Control Enthusiast

A little more than a year ago I bought a day on the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar. And a little less than a year ago I changed that day to today.

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My father died a year ago today. Sometime in the morning – I’m not sure exactly when. I don’t think anyone knows exactly when he died, only when he was finally declared dead. That happened in an ambulance, in my parents’ driveway. I like to think my mother was in the ambulance with him, while they worked to keep him breathing.

And at the same time I like to think she wasn’t, that she didn’t actually have to watch them work hard and focused, and that she didn’t have to actually watch him go. That she was sitting in the living room, being taken care of by the friends who rushed to her aid that morning. The same friends who called me, just after I walked into work, and told me that I should come home, and head straight to the hospital, as soon as I could make it.

I put the mug I was holding down, walked back to my desk, grabbed my bag and was out the door in under a minute. I didn’t run, I didn’t even rush. I just moved, with purpose. I don’t remember talking to anyone, but I must have told someone where I was going. My absence wasn’t commented on. I walked out of the building and realized I had no money for bus fare. I walked to a nearby convenience store, bought a pack of gum and got change for the subway. Still, not rushing. Just moving.

On the subway I looked out the window at the grey dark tunnel and didn’t think about much. I hit Union station with more than enough time to buy a ticket and get on the next train to Oakville. As I was buying my ticket my phone rang again. It was my mother’s friend, the one who was with her, telling me to not bother to go to the hospital, to just come home.

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I wrote about my father being sick a while back, here, and how it affected some of my thoughts on my identity, my public face, and the direction I want my life to take. At the time I wrote,

Things going on in my life right now make hiding any part of myself, especially a part that has given me and continues to give me so much, self-destructive and self-denying to a truly upsetting degree. To continue to spend even the smallest amount of energy in any kind of masking is counter productive to the point of insanity.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to post today, considering this is the day that a lot of new people might be coming to visit the site, seeing the link on the calendar and clicking through. I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about rope, or about sex, or non-monogamy – the challenges and rewards of all of them. I thought about posting a picture, something fun and sexy and ropey. But you know when I thought about all of those things they didn’t feel right. All that stuff, that’s deeper in the blog. What made sense was to refer back to that old post, and that quote above, and realize (even just for myself) that my focus has not changed. If anything, this past year has sharpened it. Sharpened it and made me realize what an amazing supportive caring community I’ve found myself a part of, both here and abroad. I’ve felt very taken care of over this past year, and this year I plan thanking those who had a hand in that.

For now I’m going to make myself another coffee, sit by my window, enjoy the breeze and miss my father. Someday, I’m sure – not in the near future, but down the road a spell – this day won’t be so full of sadness. It’ll be a late July summer day that I’ll try to fill with as much life as I can.

But today, today is only one year out. As I write this, one year ago, I was on a GO train heading into Oakville, having just got off the phone with my mother, telling me dad was gone. I wrote this almost immediately after hanging up.

     upon waking, this Grief
     like a thick water-filled stone
     sits and eats my breath

Tags: Life by control
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Me & Dylan, backstage at the Keyhole Sessions.*
There is something about this year, so far. Lots of good stuff coming my way and it doesn’t seem to be letting up anytime soon. And what I’d said before about not letting opportunities pass me by, that’s still very much in effect.
So.
To start, the Keyhole Sessions continue along as wonderfully as they have been. Our new space at The Great Hall is turning out to be everything we thought it would be for us, and more. The different feeling in the room, seeing new faces almost every class, it’s a fantastic thing to be attached to and I’m SO happy I still am. We have lots of good stuff planned for the rest of the season, so keep checking here & the Keyhole website, as well as our Facebook page. We should also be appearing in some more local media over the next month or so, so keep your eyes open for that. Details to come, as they firm up.
This Saturday I’ll be doing a demo of some ropework and talking up the Sessions at an event called “We Are The Trampions”, happening at Lee’s Palace. Featuring a whole lot of Keyhole Models, both onstage and off, the night is a tribute to all things Queen (as in the band). I’ll be tying on the floor somewhere. If you show up, come by and say hello. If you ask nicely, I might tie you up too. If you ask very nicely.
The end of March sees me leaving the country for a short jaunt, and for something I’m amazingly excited about. I’ve been honoured with an invitation to perform at Madison Young’s Art of Restraint, this March 27th. Dylan Ryan – who I tied for the first time for our Valentine’s Day Keyhole Session, and who is pictured above – and I will be performing…something… for the event, along with Monk from TwistedMonk.com and some other fantastic rope performers. The Art of Restraint takes place at Madison’s gallery, Femina Potens, in San Francisco. I am looking forward to being back there; I feel like I only started exploring the city when I was there for the Folsom Street Fair last September. More exploring. More coffee. More chocolate…
Mmmmm, chocolate.
The week after I get back Toronto plays host to the 5th annual Feminist Porn Awards. I donated some rope & time to a couple of fundraisers for the awards and am very much looking forward to attending, both the pre-awards screenings as well as the awards themselves. Lots of amazing people are coming into town for the event and it’s shaping up to be a very sexy couple of days. I’m also plotting a couple of workshops around that time, featuring some out-of-towners, more of which will be revealed as soon as details firm up.
After the FPA’s are done, then all I have to think about is the ToroGRUE 2. May 1st, at Renegade. I don’t need to say too much more about that. Click the link. Come out on May Day and share your brains with us. The more the better.
I’ve also started thinking more, based on conversations and a growing interest, in doing some small-scale teaching. People have come out of the Keyhole Sessions, or approached me while I’m doing a demo, and asked if I teach ropework. Up to now, I’ve been saying no. It took two people asking me in less than a week to realize that maybe, just maybe, I could be sharing the knowledge. So that’s coming together. Feel free to email me by clicking on the Get Control link in the sidebar if you want to talk sessions or prices.
So yes – a lot going on, and none of it I’d ever dream of passing up. It just keeps going and going and frankly I’m not interested in it stopping. Bring on the opportunities.

*Thanks to Nathaniel for the pic.

Tags: Events, GRUE, Life, Performance, Press, Rope, ToroGRUE 2, keyhole by control
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The picture above was shot this summer in Banff, Alberta, in a room at the Fairmont Banff Springs. This was the first time I’ve tied Danielle, and while she was lovely and accommodating and someone I very much look forward to getting rope on again, this session ended up being one of the scarier moments I’ve had, tying.
We’d talked, the three of us, about setting up a shoot while we were all in Banff. Danielle has experience being tied, and she’d seen pictures of a previous shoot I’d done with kk the last time he’d visited Toronto. My first and amazingly successful attempts at suspension; I was VERY glad he was there to document that. A good night, and some great images came of it. After that night we both knew we wanted to have him shoot my ropework again, sometime. Following some lengthy Skype and Twitter conversations, and juggling work schedules while in Banff, we finally found a time when the three of us could be in a room together. A quick check-in was had, quality of light was judged, and we were underway.
Things were progressing nicely, many MANY pictures were being taken in the moment by Kris, Danielle’s partner. This particular image was taken early on in the process.
As I layered more and more rope on Danielle, I noticed she was getting quieter. Kris was shooting away, moving around us both. I kept talking as I tied, wanting to keep myself connected with her and Kris, shifting her when I needed it. I didn’t take her silence for much other than probably the enjoyment of being tied (which she’d told me she experiences, sensationally speaking) and perhaps a little bit of rope headspace (which we’d not talked much about, but didn’t strike me as surprising). It was only when, after about 15? 20? minutes of tying (oh how time flies) she spoke up softly, with a little bit of shakiness in her voice, to tell us that she was having a hard time hearing what we were saying and that she was starting to white out.
That’s the first time I heard THAT expression – “white out”. She described it later as if someone has stuffed cotton in her ears, and as though the edges of her vision were slowly being speckled with white dots. At the time, all I could think of was getting her out of the ropes as quickly as possible.
I kept one hand steady on her at all times, and used the other hand to undo the last series of knots & wraps I’d laid down. There’d been no work done on her legs, so it was easy enough – although to me it seemed like it took FOREVER – to get the more intricate parts of the chest harness I’d put her in undone. My tone of voice changed, there were fewer silences in what I was saying as I worked to constantly keep her awake and aware. Kris fed her sips of water or ginger ale, keeping her focused on him as well as I got all the ropes off her as fast as I could.

Once everything was off we sat on the bed and talked about what happened. I kept touching her & connected with her to make sure she was all the way back. After a while, and I can’t remember how long exactly, she stood up, got dressed, and we talked some more. Thankfully It didn’t take long for her to come all the way back, and then all was good.
We exchanged some messages later, through email, Facebook chats. Sort of a post-mortem about the session. Those conversations were amazingly beneficial and educational for me, both in terms of letting me be more comfortable with how fast I can get someone out of bondage, if the situation requires it, and also the tendency for a bottom to try to tough out a situation for fear of seeming less-than-capable. That’s something I’ll need to look out for more, in the future.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of white-out? As I said, it’s the first I’d heard of it. There were a lot of things that could have contributed to Danielle experiencing it – lack of sleep, a minor cold, the altitude in Banff – but I’m wondering if it’s a more well-known reaction. Any thoughts and comments would be appreciated.

Tags: Images, Life, Photography, Rope by control
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Not so much new content as a test.

Actually a test of two things. Posting from Wordpress 2 on my iPhone – which seems to be working just fine, thank you very much – and dropping this Formspring question box here, as well as on Twitter. It won’t be on forever but I’m curious to see what comes of it.

Tags: Life, public, theorosexual by control
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That’s a picture, taken by Chelsea Miya, of some of my work for the Keyhole Sessions. I think this was taken in early May, quite possibly the second or third session. Chelsea was in the class that night writing an article for NOW Magazine, a local Toronto weekly. She spent most of the class taking pictures of the models, and during the intermission and after the class spoke to the models, the organizer, and myself, about the experience of putting the class together, and a little bit about the ropework that makes up the majority of the second half of the night.

In the article I’m first referred to as “bondage enthusiast” which is appropriate. I’m not sure if the writer chose that particular phrasing after receiving the URL to this site, but regardless, it certainly sets the tone for the rest of the piece. It’s a solid article that really paints the class and the experience of it in a very positive light.

It also uses my name.

It uses my name, to be clear, in a totally consensual way. As soon as I heard that someone from NOW was going to be at the class that night, I knew what was going to happen. Immediately I knew what I was doing, at the end of the night as soon as I started answering the questions the journalist was asking me. In the back of my head, I guess I’d been waiting for the moment to make myself more public – if for no other reason than to be able to stop thinking about having to conceal this side of myself.

In an earlier post, I wrote, “I’ve been thinking of the power behind naming a thing, especially in an environment like this one where a name, once said, is always present.” This is how things are for me, now – it is and will always be present. As it stands, when you google me, the NOW article shows up on either the first or second page – usually right after a bunch of old theatre links and some Twitter highlights. Not that I think I’ll be googled that often, but I do work in the digital media field. You never know. Googling people you meet has become a pastime for some, these days, with SO much information available online – often as a sort of pre-date credentials check.

I don’t care, much, if at all. Things going on in my life right now make hiding any part of myself, especially a part that has given me and continues to give me so much, self-destructive and self-denying to a truly upsetting degree. To continue to spend even the smallest amount of energy in any kind of masking is counter productive to the point of insanity. LIfe is stressful enough as it stands right now to add to it, in any way.

My father’s body is full of cancer – bones, blood and brain. After three years of clean tests it’s come rushing back at a pace nobody could have foreseen. He’s started chemo & radiation, but it’s still too early to tell if it’s had any effect; even if it has, what he is full of is incurable. It’s going to take him, sooner or later. I have no illusions about that. I also cannot help but think about my grandfather, who also (I found out, quite a bit later) died of cancer.

To be clear – this is NOT me sounding some kind of genetic death knell. I am Not quite that degree of pessimist. I have been warned, many times, against holding on to thoughts like this, to “putting that kind of energy out there”. Regardless of what I might think about that sort of energy-philosophy, truly, I’m not. What I am doing is thinking more about how I want to spend my time, and my focus, and my energy.

I’m thinking more about what it means to be named, now, and what it’s going to mean to my life from this point on.

Tags: D/s, Images, Life, Rope, public, theorosexual by control
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