A little more than a year ago I bought a day on the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar. And a little less than a year ago I changed that day to today.

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My father died a year ago today. Sometime in the morning – I’m not sure exactly when. I don’t think anyone knows exactly when he died, only when he was finally declared dead. That happened in an ambulance, in my parents’ driveway. I like to think my mother was in the ambulance with him, while they worked to keep him breathing.

And at the same time I like to think she wasn’t, that she didn’t actually have to watch them work hard and focused, and that she didn’t have to actually watch him go. That she was sitting in the living room, being taken care of by the friends who rushed to her aid that morning. The same friends who called me, just after I walked into work, and told me that I should come home, and head straight to the hospital, as soon as I could make it.

I put the mug I was holding down, walked back to my desk, grabbed my bag and was out the door in under a minute. I didn’t run, I didn’t even rush. I just moved, with purpose. I don’t remember talking to anyone, but I must have told someone where I was going. My absence wasn’t commented on. I walked out of the building and realized I had no money for bus fare. I walked to a nearby convenience store, bought a pack of gum and got change for the subway. Still, not rushing. Just moving.

On the subway I looked out the window at the grey dark tunnel and didn’t think about much. I hit Union station with more than enough time to buy a ticket and get on the next train to Oakville. As I was buying my ticket my phone rang again. It was my mother’s friend, the one who was with her, telling me to not bother to go to the hospital, to just come home.

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I wrote about my father being sick a while back, here, and how it affected some of my thoughts on my identity, my public face, and the direction I want my life to take. At the time I wrote,

Things going on in my life right now make hiding any part of myself, especially a part that has given me and continues to give me so much, self-destructive and self-denying to a truly upsetting degree. To continue to spend even the smallest amount of energy in any kind of masking is counter productive to the point of insanity.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to post today, considering this is the day that a lot of new people might be coming to visit the site, seeing the link on the calendar and clicking through. I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about rope, or about sex, or non-monogamy – the challenges and rewards of all of them. I thought about posting a picture, something fun and sexy and ropey. But you know when I thought about all of those things they didn’t feel right. All that stuff, that’s deeper in the blog. What made sense was to refer back to that old post, and that quote above, and realize (even just for myself) that my focus has not changed. If anything, this past year has sharpened it. Sharpened it and made me realize what an amazing supportive caring community I’ve found myself a part of, both here and abroad. I’ve felt very taken care of over this past year, and this year I plan thanking those who had a hand in that.

For now I’m going to make myself another coffee, sit by my window, enjoy the breeze and miss my father. Someday, I’m sure – not in the near future, but down the road a spell – this day won’t be so full of sadness. It’ll be a late July summer day that I’ll try to fill with as much life as I can.

But today, today is only one year out. As I write this, one year ago, I was on a GO train heading into Oakville, having just got off the phone with my mother, telling me dad was gone. I wrote this almost immediately after hanging up.

     upon waking, this Grief
     like a thick water-filled stone
     sits and eats my breath

So this post is a bit of a plug for a good friend, but for an event I think would be amazingly valuable for a lot of people. It’s certainly something I would love to attend but can’t make it out to (this time around, at least). Midori & Laura Antoniou’s weekend-long workshop on playing with power, “Passionate Bonds” comes to Toronto this July 30th, sponsored by Northbound Leather.

From her website:

“Join Marketplace author Laura Antoniou and educator Midori for a special weekend intensive designed for people who enjoy authentic power dynamics and D/s, who want to consciously create quality relationships that suit their personal hungers and needs in the context of the real world.
Through the unique curriculum and its innovative tools, each individual or relationship unit will create their own customized manual of effective protocol, rules, etiquettes and codes of conduct. “

Click here for more information about the weekend, and to purchase tickets.

So this past Tuesday was our last Keyhole Session of the season and it was a pretty fantastic night. Not that that means we’re going to be totally absent over the summer. In August, there’s talk of doing another Girls on Film session, seeing as how the first one was so successful. Nothing’s confirmed yet, but once it is I’ll be posting about it here & elsewhere.
Before that happens, however, we have this: SneakPeek. From July 8th to July 13th we’ll be showing off some of the best artwork that’s come out of the past 55 Keyhole Sessions at the Gladstone Art Bar, here in Toronto. Click through to find more information about both the exhibition and our Gala opening on July 10th. There’s a chance, space & time allowing, that I’ll be doing a bit of a demo at the opening. Hopefully I can find myself a little corner I can tie in…

The ToroGRUE 2 happened. After a lively meet & greet Friday night, Saturday was a day full of amazing discussions from a mix of brilliant minds. Sunday, lots of pancakes happened, made by Men in Kilts, followed by a little bit more GRUEing. I don’t think any of us were expecting the Sunday session to continue quite as it did, but I for one loved it. Graydancer has a post up about his impressions of this GRUE – the second in Toronto, and certainly not the last – as well as what I think might be the best picture of him and I I’ve seen to date:

Men In Kilts With Kitchen Implements

Our first ever Girls on Film Keyhole Session happened. Lots of fantastic shots came out of that night. A sure success, and one we’ll for sure be repeating. I had a LOT of fun, tying for Keyhole in a way I don’t often get a chance to. Fast, and for restraint as opposed to purely aesthetics. A pretty complete collection of shots from that night can be found here One of my favourite shots of the evening, below, was taken by VoulaVous and I think is simply lovely.

The following week The Keyhole Sessions and Art Battle Toronto teamed up for Art Battle 6. The final Battle of that night was two artists painting two of our models. I tied in front of the Art Battle crowd… not sure what they were expecting but they were certainly paying attention. Sonya shot a video of me tying, which is good as it shows the crowd around us but I still find it very strange watching myself tie on video.

As a result of my work with The Keyhole Sessions I’ve been invited to give a workshop on Tying the Female Form as part of Kinky4Play. That’s happening mid-August. I’ll post more details as they come up.

I discovered a new online artist (thanks to a blog post by Violet Blue) whose work I admire and am following with great interest. Ben Newman keeps a blog at bennewmanart.blogspot.com and is very much worth a look. Here’s a sample piece of his. (I am such a fan of the red rope in this.)

"Handle with Care" by Ben Newman

Part of the Sunday session at the GRUE was a discussion I led (after making many pancakes and watching Graydancer wrassle with my partner A.) on Philosophies of Service. I’m expanding that with more notes and thoughts, with the idea of eventually turning it into a class. Yes, I’d like to get on that touring circuit. But I don’t feel any great need to get on that circuit as a rope educator. At least, not at this moment. Who knows, that may change with time.

Just an update for all current – and potential! – ToroGRUE 2 participants. We’ll be holding our meet & greet on Friday night at the Rhino, 1249 Queen Street West in Toronto. Here’s a Google Maps link to the location (http://vb.ly/2822) and a link to the restaurant’s website (http://therhino.ca/contents.html). I’ll be reachable by email the whole time, for those who might need directional help.

Graydancer and I will be there as of 7pm, and we’ll grab a table near the back of the restaurant. Look for us towards the right-hand side, near the back. I’ll have a coil of red rope on the table, just so you know exactly where to go! We’ll wrap the meet & greet up around 9pm, giving us enough time to rest up and do some last-minute preparing before kicking the ToroGRUE off at 9am Saturday morning.

We still have a lot of space left at the GRUE this year. In some ways it’s a bit of a hard sell, trying to get people out to participate and not just absorb knowledge. If you know of anyone who might be interested in attending, please do feel free to forward this email to them. They don’t have to pre-register – we can accept payment at the door. I’ve said it before – the more brains we have out the better the event will be.

Thanks again to all of you who are coming out. I’m really looking forward to it this year.